My Hopelessness on Path 11

Last night before I fell asleep, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. It felt like the The Fool had decided not to risk and not to jump off the cliff with trust. To fall asleep, I had to convince myself that I could just stand at the cliff for awhile till I felt the trust again. Now it feels like the hopelessness was covering up a sense of loss. I have been changing. This Qabalah work has been changing me - or rather I have been changing by showing up for this great work. And I am grieving lifelong survival tools and denial mechanisms that I am letting go of.
'Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.' Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

In the Beginning - Aleph

It is awesome to feel the energy of initial sound - the first sound of Creation. I am in Creation mode but until now I think that my first sounds were hemming and hawing. It is the follow thorough that I will be interested seeing unfold as I incorporate the Tree going down the Paths. This is such a different context for seeing my life and actions.
'The self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation through choice of action.' John Dewey

Changing Viewpoints with Aleph

When I draw Aleph, I continually see it drawn as 'as above, so below.' And that is helping me see that there is a divine purpose to my life. I am here, filled with passion - for service, for Qabalah, for the expression of my psychic/prophetic talents. This passion does not come from me. It is within me. It is a passion that drives me that I am finally following through expressing that passion now. I feel divinely inspired - that I am ow expressing the 'so below.'
'Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work.' Rita Mae Brown

Aleph and me in my Void of Expectation

I am meeting with a business consultant (www.SCOREChicago.org) for two monthly free one hour sessions. I am planning my business. I have never felt more focused - and it is mixed with this fear of being on the edge - of my new beginnings and not knowing what is going to show up when I jump off.
'Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.' Helen Keller

Aleph and my new beginnings

I am excited about my life. I feel a renewed sense of purpose. This may be due to my pondering all the The Fool has in his little satchel on the stick. I really am complete. I really do have all that I need. I have tools. And I am growing in the trust of being in the present moment.
'You've got to get to the stage in life where going for it is more important than winning or losing.' Arthur Ashe

The Tree

I realized yesterday when I was talking about the Tree of Life that it is the Tree of LIFE - not Knowledge, not Wisdom, not Ascension, etc. You find these on the Tree or through working the Tree. To me, it really is a way of living life. I am struggling with humility (basically replacing a sense of entitlement that has served me to compensate for a low self-esteem). My sense of self is changing - my self-esteem is healthier now. It is still amazing how lessons creep up on me when I am working the Tree.
'We have magnificent brains, but we use a great deal of our brilliance to keep ourselves stuck and ignorant, to keep ourselves from not shining. We are so afraid of our beauty and radiance and brilliance because it scared the adults around us when we were children.' Patricia Sun

Math and the Path

I had an enjoyable conversation about mathematics with an engineer yesterday. We talked about rules of mathematics - and bending them. I was reminded of how I gravitated to math as a child to escape the chaos of my alcoholic, dysfunctional family. You build on each rule as you learn them. They are reliable. 2 + 2 always equals 4, always. I think that is why I love Qabalah and working the Tree of Life. There is a pattern that is undeniable and unalterable. I am safe on the Tree. I know where I can find my place.
'Life is a zoo in a jungle.' Peter De Vries

As above, so below - Aleph

After meditation this morning, I felt amazingly at peace. I meditated on Aleph (1st letter of Hebrew alphabet). I was actually drawing the letter in my mind and I saw a sequencing of the three strokes to create the letter as a was of grounding in the physical 'as above, so below.'
'You can never go home again, but the truth is you can never leave home, so it's all right.' Maya Angelou

Path 11

I feel the anticipation of new beginnings. The Reality of the Absolute. I have a rumbling in my heart. It feels like an expansion in my ability to love. I am finding myself having a new level of compassion - and patience. I am seeing the incidents in my life in a bigger perspective - where love might have ben hiding.
‘If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question.’ Lily Tomlin

Pathwork and Trust

I am on the Path of Aleph, the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet - and the Fool of the Tarot deck. So I have been thinking about trust since my class last night. And it is amazing how many times the word, trust, was on the sport shows this morning mostly about players trusting their team mates and coaches - and their own skills. For me, my sense of trust in God is tied into my lovability - am I loved enough to be taken care of by God.
'The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.' Victor Hugo

Pathworking

I received my introduction to Pathworking in class last night with my Qabalah teacher,
Laurie Seachrist Gudnason. Wow! I am in store for the ride of my life. I had thought that Pathworking is going down the Tree - and yes, you do travel from Kether to Malkuth on the Paths between the Sephiroth. But this is traveling (and integrating) on the Tree above. I will be expressing myself as the archetypes - or seeing the archetypes express in me. This will be exciting!
‘The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions.’ Oliver Wendell Holmes

Malkuth and my Life

I feel listless. I will be going down the Tree of Life, creating - inventing - my life. No excuses. My life will be entirely my responsibility...
'Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.' Author Unknown

Up and Down the Tree of Life

I will be starting down the Tree tomorrow doing the Pathworking. You can only go down the Paths after you have ascended the Tree. Perhaps that is why I felt so befuddled between Malkuth and Kether in Atlanta. I am preparing to go down the Tree and will be proceeding up the Tree again in a few weeks. This is a great life - and this is an exciting time.
'Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress.' Bruce Barton

Kether-Malkuth Manifesting

I was in Atlanta for a spiritual weekend. It felt like Malkuth and Kether were vying for my attention. I felt spiritually uplifted at times and then, no matter how spiritual I was feeling, I was thwarted in my physical efforts. I had expectations that weren't met.
'Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.'
Wally 'Famous' Amos

Kether and Story

"From Kether's energies I can see that when I am not in the moment, I am in story. When I am in the moment, I am in history - creating it.
'The best of times is now.' Oprah Winfrey

Kether and Being in the Moment

I brought to me an opportunity for a part-time job. I say brought to me rather than when out and found a job because of you I have been becoming in Kether this time around. I realize that my needs are being taken care of when I am in the moment. When I am not in the moment, I am working on fulfilling my wants.
'Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once.'
Lillian Dickson

Kether's Expansion is Condensing

It seems that the Vices of Malkuth, avarice and inertia, are appearing. Inertia is growing, becoming comfortable. It's like the Godness I felt through Kether makes me feel like life should happen for me, instead of me making it happen.
‘We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.’ Anais Nin

Kether to Malkuth

I have learned that Kether is Malkuth on the Tree above - like our strands of DNA. So I can now feel the Kether I am in becoming the Malkuth of a higher Tree. My actions (and 'to do' lists)feel driven by a more solid force - a more practical force. I guess I have experienced as much of my Godself as I can take for one trip up the Tree. Kether's Light is certainly intense and has shown me a lot about myself. I will take a deep breath as I start the climb again.
'The art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.' Henry Ellis

Kether and Malkuth

I plan to be in Malkuth going up the Tree of Life on the 13th. I struggled for sleep last night until I realized it was after midnight and 10-10-10. I called for the Godness of Kether to guide me in my thoughts. I was able to touch the sadness under my anger - and hold the wounded part of me in sacredness. I am ready to manifest a new in my life. I am looking forward to climbing the Tree again. I am knowing my self and my God more intimately.
"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else." Emily Dickinson

Kether, the Source

Today I had an awareness of me energetically tugging on something. It did not feel unclean or manipulative. The energy just felt like I was trying to make something happen - that this might not have been for my highest good. So I let go. It was interesting to observe. I felt a comfortable distance from the 'something' so that I stayed unattached. I would very much like to repeat this. May be this is what is referred to as being in the flow.
'This life is worth living, we can say, since it is what we make it.' William James

Kether and Expansion

I feel overwhelmed by the awesomeness of expansion available through Kether. I hope that this means that some of the issues that I have been working on are getting 'lighter' in my life. I feel a great resolve to move forward and express my service in the world. It is amazing to feel the potential of all possibilities within Kether.
'A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed.' Henrik Ibsen

Kether's Light Shining on Me

It is amazing to me how, when you place attention on something, so follows your intention. I found, through the Light of Kether, that my intention may not always be of the highest Light. And Kether's Light is certainly shining on Light on my not so highest intentions. And then again, I am only human and fallible.
‘In seeking wisdom thou art wise; in imagining that thou hast attained it, thou art a fool.’ Rabbi Ben Azai

Kether and Shadows

I realize that in Kether, my shadows seem to be intensified. In my life right now, what is not of the Light, cannot sustain Kether's inspection.
'We can't plan life. All we can do is be available for it.' Lauren Hill

Kether's Montana Teaching

I am vacationing and visiting my home in Montana (and taking care of some business). I co-taught a mini Introduction to the Qabalah with my friend, Pam. During the class I was aware of the sacred information teaching through me. I had let go of all expectations concerning the teaching of the class and trusted in my teacher, Laurie. Being in Kether helped me understand that my passion for the Qabalah and the workings of the Tree of Life were pretty pure. I was able to let my godness out - those are the only words I can find to adequately describe my experience.
'Whatever you are be a good one.' Abraham Lincoln