My Hopelessness on Path 11

Last night before I fell asleep, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. It felt like the The Fool had decided not to risk and not to jump off the cliff with trust. To fall asleep, I had to convince myself that I could just stand at the cliff for awhile till I felt the trust again. Now it feels like the hopelessness was covering up a sense of loss. I have been changing. This Qabalah work has been changing me - or rather I have been changing by showing up for this great work. And I am grieving lifelong survival tools and denial mechanisms that I am letting go of.
'Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.' Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

In the Beginning - Aleph

It is awesome to feel the energy of initial sound - the first sound of Creation. I am in Creation mode but until now I think that my first sounds were hemming and hawing. It is the follow thorough that I will be interested seeing unfold as I incorporate the Tree going down the Paths. This is such a different context for seeing my life and actions.
'The self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation through choice of action.' John Dewey

Changing Viewpoints with Aleph

When I draw Aleph, I continually see it drawn as 'as above, so below.' And that is helping me see that there is a divine purpose to my life. I am here, filled with passion - for service, for Qabalah, for the expression of my psychic/prophetic talents. This passion does not come from me. It is within me. It is a passion that drives me that I am finally following through expressing that passion now. I feel divinely inspired - that I am ow expressing the 'so below.'
'Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work.' Rita Mae Brown

Aleph and me in my Void of Expectation

I am meeting with a business consultant (www.SCOREChicago.org) for two monthly free one hour sessions. I am planning my business. I have never felt more focused - and it is mixed with this fear of being on the edge - of my new beginnings and not knowing what is going to show up when I jump off.
'Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.' Helen Keller

Aleph and my new beginnings

I am excited about my life. I feel a renewed sense of purpose. This may be due to my pondering all the The Fool has in his little satchel on the stick. I really am complete. I really do have all that I need. I have tools. And I am growing in the trust of being in the present moment.
'You've got to get to the stage in life where going for it is more important than winning or losing.' Arthur Ashe

The Tree

I realized yesterday when I was talking about the Tree of Life that it is the Tree of LIFE - not Knowledge, not Wisdom, not Ascension, etc. You find these on the Tree or through working the Tree. To me, it really is a way of living life. I am struggling with humility (basically replacing a sense of entitlement that has served me to compensate for a low self-esteem). My sense of self is changing - my self-esteem is healthier now. It is still amazing how lessons creep up on me when I am working the Tree.
'We have magnificent brains, but we use a great deal of our brilliance to keep ourselves stuck and ignorant, to keep ourselves from not shining. We are so afraid of our beauty and radiance and brilliance because it scared the adults around us when we were children.' Patricia Sun

Math and the Path

I had an enjoyable conversation about mathematics with an engineer yesterday. We talked about rules of mathematics - and bending them. I was reminded of how I gravitated to math as a child to escape the chaos of my alcoholic, dysfunctional family. You build on each rule as you learn them. They are reliable. 2 + 2 always equals 4, always. I think that is why I love Qabalah and working the Tree of Life. There is a pattern that is undeniable and unalterable. I am safe on the Tree. I know where I can find my place.
'Life is a zoo in a jungle.' Peter De Vries